I was raised to be a nice Catholic girl. I’m still nominally Catholic but I’m also extremely liberal, a fact which tends to put me at odds with a lot of the Church’s teachings. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those angry Catholics that goes around ripping up pictures of the Pope (although I really wish they hadn’t gone with the ex-Nazi this time around). I’m just saying, one thing that the Church will always have going for it is the ability to seriously mess with a person’s head.
The problem with me is, and I totally blame this on my Catholic upbringing, that I can’t watch explicit sex in the movies. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, kind of like I’m some kind of voyeuristic pervert watching through someone’s window. I’m not talking about porn, that doesn’t really bother me. I suppose context is everything; porn is OK because there’s a time and place for these things. I just don’t want to see it if I think I’m watching something else.
The ironic thing is that I don’t have the slightest problem watching movie violence. I could sit through Braveheart or Reservoir Dogs a million times and barely flinch, but to this day I still refuse to watch Monster’s Ball. I can’t hang with that.
Of course, there’s movie sex and there’s movie sex. I mean, if someone hot is involved then how bad could it be? On the other hand, I’m still emotionally scarred from Pulp Fiction, specifically the scene with The Gimp. I remember watching it in the theater like it was yesterday…
Movie: Get the Gimp.
Me: The Gimp? Who’s that? Why’s that guy dressed all bondage-like?
Movie: Which one of ‘em you wanna do first?
Me: ‘Do first?’ What do they mean? They can’t mean…nooooo….
As the scene progressed I kept telling myself that they couldn’t possibly be talking about what I thought they were talking about. That is, until I saw Ving Rhames bent over. There was no reason for that. That was just wrong.
I can recognize genius for what it is. Pulp Fiction was a work of genius, Gimp notwithstanding. Still, there are some movies that make this Catholic girl want to self-flagellate. Just for kicks, I thought I’d compile a list of the Most Vile Movie Sex Ever. Enjoy.
Kika (1993) – Just because it’s European doesn’t mean it’s good. And someone really ought to tell Pedro Almodovar that there’s nothing funny about rape.
Caligula (1979)- Supposedly Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud didn’t know that this film was going to contain hardcore porn. Well, that makes three of us, which is how I got roped into watching. Thank goodness I’m not dating that guy anymore. The first three seconds of the movie were OK, but that was before I knew that the two lovebirds were brother and sister. Ew.
Bad Lieutenant (1992)- A nun gets raped in the beginning. Need I say more?
Kids (1995) – If I want to watch kiddie porn I’ll download it from the internet like all the other perverts, OK? I understand that there was a point to this movie (a valid one, even), but Mr. R. had to physically restrain me to keep me from running out of the room screaming.
And finally, the most vile movie in the history of movies…
Happiness (1998) – Where shall I begin? The pedophile protagonist that whacks off to teeny bopper magazines? The pervert that also whacks off while making obscene phone calls (and more to the point, what he does afterwards)? The prepubescent son that whacks off to whatever? Old people sex? Say it with me now…YEESH!
That’s all, at least that’s everything I haven’t repressed. Feel free to add your favorites. You know, now that I look at this list I realize that Mr. Wench. was responsible for making me watch three out of the five. He is so not picking the movie any more.